Puzzles

I’ve always liked puzzles.
The way the curved and arched edges
fit together smoothly in a perfect unity,
like two hands interlacing their fingers.
Language is like a puzzle.
The way the sounds interact,
fitting together just right
to create a big picture
that you can’t see until you find the right pieces.
Sometimes the morphemes change,
just to confused you,
like a ragged edge that should fit someone else
but doesn’t quite.
Once the puzzle is together you can step back
and admire the beauty of God’s handiwork,
until you notice a piece missing
or a child stumbles over and knocks the edge apart.
Then you just smile
and go back to work,
appreciating the beauty of change
and the stimulation of challenge.

My life is like a puzzle.
All lives are, really.
All lives are part of a bigger puzzle,
Yahweh’s puzzle of Creation,
but each piece is a puzzle in itself.
As I’ve grown I have seen the pieces
from my childhood slowly fit together
with new pieces.
It is exhilarating.
Knowing that God designed each piece
knowing just where he would place it
before it even existed.
Each piece is a new journey
that I have seen fit in to my life
in harmony with the rest of my puzzle.

But now I see two puzzles.
One puzzle is my life,
full of my experiences,
joys, trials, and dreams.
This one I have always watched
and seen God leading me through it.
But the other one is me,
my character, identity, and personality.
This one is more pointy,
not as gently curved as the first.
There is pain where each piece meets the next,
but the pieces fit together just the same.
This puzzle is in the dark,
not as clearly illuminated –
there is only one lamp on the table.
I sometimes wonder
who is building this puzzle.
Is it God?
or me? or sin?

But God is the puzzle maker.
I do not know where the puzzles come together.
I can only trust that they do.
Though the designs are so different,
maybe the one
just has not come into the light.
It may be
that one day I will find
the second puzzle has not been flipped over.
And when it is,
it will fit right in
with a satisfying thunk
and complete the foundation
of my puzzle.

Psalm of Lamentation

This is a psalm I wrote for an assignment in a class I'm taking this summer.

Why, O Lord, have you turned your face from your people?
Do you not hear our pleas for mercy?
All day the faithful cry out in anguish,
And the righteous grieve all the night.
How long will you remain distant,
Until you come in all your glory to establish your kingdom? 

O good Creator, we weep for the sins of our nation,
For the perversion of the law and your good earth.
Remember this nation which you brought into existence,
With the desire to see righteousness upheld.
See how the people follow after the idols of the land,
And sacrifice justice for power and wealth.
The people no longer are stewards over the land you have given to them,
It is defiled in the pursuit of their idols.
See also their disregard for their own families,
They hold their brothers in contempt and murder their children in the womb.
The people hate their neighbors and themselves,
They do not believe they are made in your image. 

Restore us, O Lord of our fathers, and deliver us from our sins,
Save your people from our wicked pride.
For you are a merciful and compassionate God,
Who hears the cries of your people.
Although we grieve for our fallen nation, we trust in you, the Almighty,
Who will not let the faithful perish.

To My Teachers

No one ever thanks the teachers

Sure, they get "thank you" sometimes
Maybe once or twice a year
People give them lovely gifts
To express their gratitude

Some teachers did more harm than good
Others simply did their job
These had very little impact
They are shown appropriate gratitude

There are some teachers
Who understand
Who challenge students
Who help them grow

There are some teachers
Who support dreams
Who are parents
Who teach more than the class

They understand bad days
They appreciate laughter
They value hard work
They see what no one else can

Here's to my teachers
Who after thirteen years
Have shaped my life
In indescribable ways

I owe so much to these
And there really aren't words
To show how much I love them
All I can say is

Thank you.

Leaves

A gust of cold wind

Shakes the trees

The brisk autumn air

Alive with color

Leaves fall in the wind

Millions of leaves fall

In a single forest

All at one time

How can a person

Watch them all

One at a time

And follow the path

Of each leaf

As it falls to the earth

It is impossible

To watch them all

And see the paths

On which they travel

But there is one

Who is able to see each
To watch carefully
To catch and guide them
Along the journey
And it is in Him
Who guides my path
That I trust

Self-Destruction

It’s so painful
watching her self-destruct.
And wanting to help
but not being able to.
Seeing her hurt
and then hurt again.
Wondering why
she doesn’t learn.
What is there to do
but watch and wait?
Someday she will learn

not to play with fire.
But until that day
all there is to do is watch
and wince with her.

A Bowl of Ice Cream

The biggest bowl of ice cream
The biggest chocolate bar
The most slices of pizza
The longest movie marathon
The best books
The funniest TV shows
The softest kitten
The loudest cat purr
The most cuddly teddy bear
The most expensive jewelry
The highest telephone bill
The cutest pictures
The deepest cut
The worst tears
The biggest hole in the wall
The loudest shouting
The hardest run
The most beautiful song
The longest poem
The most “I love you”s
Cannot come close to replacing
The company of a loved one

Today

I have a problem
With my comfort zone
And the lack of desire
To leave it
I do not wish
To be uncomfortable
And so I do not
Step over the threshold
I am weak and weary
I have succumbed
To laziness
I still desire
That all be healed
But I lack
The drive, the energy
(Dare I admit, interest)
To get up and act
I'm comfortable here
Maybe I'll get up
Tomorrow or the next
But if I don't move
How can I grow
And so how do I live
To live, I must live
Today

Imaginary Friends

Here I was thinking…

Fake people wouldn’t hurt me the same way
If they weren’t real, how could I get attached
How could they hurt me
And so then how could I hurt them

I should have known better
Of course I’ll get attached, real or imaginary
And even an imaginary friend can say no
Can go away and leave me to ache

So if you weren’t real, does that make you fake
Yes i suppose it does, after all
Didn’t you say you loved me, and then leave
So then you couldn’t have been true

And so now I’ve learned my lesson
But am I any better off for it
I would give my heart away again I think
To someone who tells me they love me

So now I’m thinking that maybe
Even though you’ve gone, it will be okay
After all, I still love you, real or not
And that’s enough for me

The Moment

There is a moment
A moment in life
Where something changes
Something is different
A shift in the atmosphere
And then suddenly
All at once
But only for one moment
We can see each other
See into our hearts
Into the depths of the soul
Of the person beside you
And in that moment
We understand
All the history and pain
The struggle and the victory
The past, present, and future
So much which has been hidden
Is suddenly revealed
For just that second
You understand why
And you feel the same
Then time moves on
And our secrets
Are hidden once again

To Protect Life

at his right hand
his brother
tired and weary
yet strong
ready to fight
to forge on
by his side
protecting their prize
he settles down
into his fight stance
catches his brother’s eye
nod of encouragement then
focuses on the danger
and then behind
his sister
weak and worn down
having fallen
over and over
she lies
on the ground 

half alive
so little strength left
hardly even to stand
but stand firm she will
holding her own
she will never give up
never give in
never accept defeat
neither will he
he will press onward
and face the enemy
to protect his brother
his sister
his family
never will he surrender
to do so would be
to lose his own life

Under Heavy Mountains

Up, down, in, out
Everyday the same
The routine remains constant
Unchanging, unrelenting

The colors gone
Gray monotony ensues
Day after day and repeat
Nothing changed

Deeper and deeper
Sinking in the abyss
Losing all control
Life gone to pieces

Something missing
No joy, no light
Only harsh pain
Black as dark death

Frantically scrambling
Searching for escape
Pressed beneath
Heavy mountains

Stifling air
Unable to see
To breathe, to live
Have to get out

Dancing with Jesus

"Dance with me," says my Lord
"There is no music," I protest
"Take my hand and open your ears."

"Dance with me," says my Lord
"People might see," I protest
"Close your eyes and see truth."

"Dance with me," says my Lord
"I don't know how," I protest
"Trust in me and I will lead you."

"Dance with me," says my Lord
"There is no where to dance," I protest
"Spread your wings and do not doubt."

"Dance with me," says my Lord
"I am not good enough," I protest
"My power is made perfect in weakness."

"Dance with me," says my Lord
"I am afraid," I protest
"I am with you, always."

"Dance with me," says my Lord
"I have not prepared," I protest
"I want you to come as you are."

"Daughter, come and dance with me,
Take my hand, do not protest,
Trust me and I will guide your feet."

A Hunted Man

He won't give his name
Says it's too late
There's no need
Nothing can save him

He won't listen to our pleas
He can't hear our tears
He thinks he's alone
No one cares for him

The pain the world cause him
It overcame him
He has given up
Forgotten his place

He refuses to speak
He believes words cause pain
He wants to be left alone
It's too late now

His name is his identity
His identity is his place
His place is his purpose
His purpose is gone

Today we learned his name
Today he whispered it
As we stood by crying
Watching the world take him away

I will protect his secrets
I will carry them with pride
I know who he was and what he did
I will carry his name to my grave

What I Don't Know

I know what I should do.
I know what I shouldn’t.
I know I’ve made it before.
I know I can do it again.
I know the consequences.
I know people care.
I know it won’t help.
I know it would help for a moment.
I know I want to feel better.
I know my scars have healed.
I know I don’t need more.
I know I don’t feel strong enough.
I know I don’t need to.
I know He will take care of me.
I know I need to trust Him.
I know what to do.
I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know anything at all.

“Confident, passionate, and beautiful”

She thinks of herself this way
Does she have any idea?
Those words are her in my mind
She is the very epitome of each word
To me, she always has been
And probably always will be

A beautiful, passionate girl
How could I live up to that?
She is always so put together
So happy, so sure, so beautiful
Who wouldn’t want to be like that?
Who could even come close?

They say perfect girls have flaws too
She says he changed her too much
That he made her feel flawed
But it never showed on the outside
And that was all I could see
And that was all she could see of me

She and I went through the same thing
Her struggle was even worse than mine
But she has come out of it perfect
Without missing a beat
Still as confident and strong as before
While it would seem that I have not

I can’t help but feel foolish beside her
Feel like a child who doesn’t deserve her time
I begin to understand how she felt
To see where she is and where she came from
But then I remember who she is
And I can’t help but shrink back

For “confident, passionate, and beautiful”
I am not.

Raindrops

Splish, splash, splosh
Pitter patter, the rain comes down

People run inside
Putting whatever had been in their hands
Over their heads
To keep from getting wet

Splish, splash, splosh

Pitter patter, the rain comes down

It comes down harder

The rivers rise up

The water washes away good and bad

Until nothing is left

Splish, splash, splosh

Pitter patter, the rain comes down

Sometimes the rain is welcome

Often it is not

Even then, it comes just the same

Always coming down

Never stopping if someone needs a break

The unending flow of raindrops

Which seems to never stop

It never stops...

What Are Words?

You feel them when you run your fingers over a page of a book
The black text ripples across the stiff paper
You feel them also when someone uses them to hurt you
Or to show you kindness and love
But these words are spoken and so affect our ears
They are heard and not felt by the sense of touch
Words taste bitter or sour or sweet on our tongues
But they cannot really have taste, for they cannot be seen
They do not appear in the air after they are spoken
To be read by any wandering eye
And yet when they are written down we see them
We use our eyes and our sight to understand their meaning
But in reality they are only ink and paper or indenations in the sand
Nothing but a jerk of the hand sets one letter apart from the next
And yet they have such different meanings when put together
They form an idea that the whole human race understands
Words cannot possibly have a scent, cannot be noticed by the nose
They simply float on the cool breaze or the breath of the person speaking
Often times they hold memories in themselves
Memories of smells and sights and sounds that stay with us always
Mostly memories of feelings that arose in repsonse to spoken words
Feelings that are not real to the fingertips nor to the eyes or ears, nor tongue nor nose
No, words are only always real in a place locked up
Somewhere hidden, and where only words themselves may rightfully penetrate:
Words belong in the heart

Mirror

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
what is it I have become?
In the reflection, I don't see
the person I believed I was.

The person who stares back at me
is the type of person I always hated.
I was disgusted and revolted by her,
and I despised seeing her on the street.

But now I look at myself in the glass
and I see a horrible dark shadow of me.
I am unsure where I went wrong,
but I know now that I need mending.

She mocks me and laughs in my face,
she shows me how wrong I have been.
I hang my head in disgrace and shame,
and turn away from the dark memory.

Hit

How many times will I be hit
By tragic blows and stress
I start to think that maybe
Just maybe this is it
It won't all fall to pieces this time
But it hasn't happened yet

The world seems to be against you
Or at least that's what they say
But last I knew the world didn't pick sides
Unless things have changed
No, I know whose work this is
But he will not knock me down

I will overcome this hit

Space

I’ve given you space
Kept my distance
I think that’s what you wanted
The details are hazy now
I’m not sure
How we left it so long ago

I’ve given you space
For such a long time
But the memories feel like yesterday
A time so different than now
But still a time so recent
It all blurs together in my mind

I’ve given you space
In the hopes that you wouldn’t hurt
At least not as badly
I know I hurt you
And I begin to understand
That hurt doesn’t begin to describe

I’ve given you space
But don’t believe it was without cost
Don’t think for a second
That I don’t hurt too
It’s gotten easier over time
But it has never been easy

I’ve given you space
But I think about you every day
Some days are worse than others
Living without you still feels so strange
There are times I want to take it back
But it’s too late now

I’ve given you space
Because I respect your choices
Because I know that I am not welcome
I have betrayed you
And hurt you
And I am truly sorry

I’ve given you space
And kept my distance
And you have forgiven me
Though I don’t think you understand
But all I can do now
Is try to move on